A Gardening Parable

The neighbor I don’t get along with thinks I have given up gardening.

His assumption is based on the fact that he has seen and heard no signs of garden activity in my yard for the past several years. Little does he know that I have not only retained all the technology and supplies necessary to restart my garden, but that I have been acquiring additional garden technology and am seeking more efficient technology for the production of vegetables.

This effort at garden secrecy has been aided by my acquisition two years ago of the technology known as “six foot high fence” to keep my neighbors from spying on my gardening program.

Not only do I still have all the shovels, rakes, hoes for preparing the garden bed, but I recently purchased a rototiller to more efficiently and quickly prepare the garden bed. My neighbor hasn’t seen the rototiller because I’ve kept it in my garage, and if I use it while he’s at work, chances are he’ll never know I have acquired rototiller technology. If I confine my rototilling activity to a weekday afternoon, when all my neighbors are at work, I can conceal my possession of rototiller technology from the entire neighborhood. I’ll just have to keep an eye out for any unusual neighbor activity in the area or my planned garden. Since the neighbors already know I have shovels, rakes and hoes, I’ve told them I’m using them for peaceful landscaping activity.

During the period when I was actively gardening, I acquired many fertilizers and soil amendments designed to increase my vegetable yield. By following publicly available information on soil enrichment and through my own experimentation I have learned how to properly enrich soil for an explosive yield of vegetables. As I still have these fertilizers and soil amendments acquired during my period of active gardening, I do not need to “go public” by resupplying. Most importantly, I have secretly retained my precious stockpile of seeds.

I will also be changing the location of my vegetable garden to an area of my yard not visible to my neighbor, so even if he defeats my use of “six foot high fence” through the use of “stepladder” technology the garden will remain invisible as it grows. I am further aided by the fact that my neighbor relies heavily on his stepson, who makes it no secret that he hates his guts and wishes he had another father, for information on my gardening program. Hell, he hates him so much he’ll probably tell him I have no garden even if he sees it with his own eyes.

My neighbor likely will have no idea I’ve even got a garden until BOOM! — the neighborhood punk I hire to do the deed drops a pile of super potent, highly enriched zucchini right on his doorstep.