10 Headlines from the year 2029

1. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

3. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

4. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

5. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
6. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

7. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

8. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

9. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

10. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

…now create your own.

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    Global Warming reaches 21st year of “Hibernation”.

    Algore’s carbon credit company goes bankrupt, forcing him to lose 300lbs.

    John McCain is released from prison.

    Sam Adams loses 6th attempt to become Portland Mayor.

    Johnny Depp moves back from France to the U.S. , to many Jamaicans there.

    The Milwaukee portion of the Max is completed….Milwaukee crimes wave explodes!

    Damascus is Oregons largest growing city.

    Why am I up so early?

  • Jerry

    Light Rail in Portland declared a success as all 12 riders on the West Side line say they otherwise would have driven their cars.

  • John Fairplay

    ODOT proposes building first new lane mile of road since 1980s – environmental groups threaten to sue.

    205th random, double-blind study again finds Bush won Florida in 2000. DNC dismisses

    Country still struggling to recover from Obama Presidency – unemployment over 15 percent for 15th straight year

    Minimum Wage in Oregon reaches $25 an hour. Sole employee of last remaining McDonald’s celebrates with unemployed teenage friends.

    “Mt. Hood” Light Rail cuts through SE Portland neighborhood

    Tenth Goldschmidt abuse victim steps from shadows

    Per Student spending hits $35,000 – Union says Legislature failing to adequately fund schools

    Metro expands to tenth county – Popular regional government still has not been replicated in any other state

    This time, Wu “earmark” provides Marines with exploding tee-shirts

    Healthy 22 year old without insurance forced into state government health program

    Donkey no more – Demos switch symbol to boot stamping on human face

  • devietro

    Police raid house arrest man with Arsenal of revolutionary war muskets, Brady groups releases statement saying “I thought we took care of these nuts”

    Oil trades above $1000 a barrel for first time

    11% of Portlanders now say they believe in marriage in some form.

    Ailing OHSU tram in need of repair, city agree to 100million dollar renovation project

    Governor Sam Adams, embarks on new light rail project to southern Oregon, City of Bend threatens to succeed from state

    Governor Sam Adams embarks on plan to bring Major Leauge Baseball to Portland, in other news TrailBlazers were unable to sell out Roosevelt Highschool gym last night

    New voters pamphlet now 500pages, 7 volumes

    Bill Sizemore and Tim Tricky run a combined 100 initiatives in May special election.

  • Jay Bozievich

    Oregon High School student arrested for wearing t-shirt bearing the text of the the Second Amendment. School adminstrators claim it violates zero tolerance policy on weapons because it mentions “arms”.

    City of Eugene passes ordinance banning smoking within any building including personal residences except under a special permit that requires the exhaust is treated to remove all smoke and carbon offsets are purchased.

    Lane County begins releasing 2nd degree manslaughter and sexual assault prisoners due to lack of funding for the jail. In other news, the Lane County Human Rights Commission held hearings on the need for bathroom equity in the new Latino Services annex to be built at the former Fair Grounds.

    • gg

      The T-shirt line is wild! I am sure it will happen much sooner. Guns dont kill people, the second amendment does.

  • Terry Parker

    10 Headlines in the Portland area from the year 2029

    1) The Governor of Oregon and the Mayor of Portland hold a joint web conference to complain about the ten year old law mandating the requirement that high positioned elected officials must set examples by living only in studio apartments within five blocks of their offices.

    2) The latest multi-billion dollar mixed use remodel of the Metro Regional Headquarters Building (a former Sears store) has just been completed to add another floor that includes a homeless shelter, studio apartments to be occupied by the Metro councilors and a luxurious studio penthouse to be occupied by the Metro Council President. Metro officials wanted the eastside terminal for Portland’s second aerial tram between the Rose Quarter and Union Station that now exceeds the original construction budget fivefold to also be located at the Metro Regional Headquarters rather than the Rose Quarter. City transportation officials trumped that idea saying the Metro building is not a general public destination, and the Rose Quarter managed to acomodate basketball and other team sports needs a taxpayer subsidized economic boost to spur economic development and attract people on the uninhabited and deserted Rose Quarter grounds during non-game and non-event times. One other suggestion also included turning the Memorial Coliseum into affordable housing for people that have served in the military.

    3) Except for big eco control center of central government offices and the PSU campus that now line the downtown transit mall, a few taxpayer subsidized large department stores and some essential services such as eating establishments to serve the employees and students – most retailers and businesses have moved out of downtown Portland due to high costs of doing business in the central city. Only subsidized housing without adequate motor vehicle parking remains in the other occupied buildings. Downtown bicycle parking fees are now at ten dollars per day. With both busses and Max using the transit jammed transit mall, transit travel times between Union Station and Portland State University exceed an average of thirty minutes all day long. Officials are calling for widening the mall catering to the office workers who are required to use transit and work for the government to control peoples lifestyles. Banning all bicycles on downtown transit designated streets and a transit bypass of downtown for the general public not going there has also been suggested. Even though transit fares have been raised to a record $12 per ride to better reflect the costs of providing the service, officials are also considering excessive subsidies to fix downtown’s highly taxpayer financed and ailing economy

    4) Placing a yet another strain on the non-subsidized general taxpayers that pay for City and County services, the Pearl District urban renewal area has again been extended, this time to 2075, to create affordable housing tenement buildings and people warehouses from the once exclusive high priced and now empty condos.

    5) Bicycle taxes, registration and license fees are again being raised to pay for increased street maintenance and to add more motor vehicle boxes that require bicyclists to yield to larger vehicles. Bicycle tolls of $5.00 per trip have been added to use the ten year old Sellwood Bridge that when built, using gas taxes and other motor vehicle fees, less than half of the deck width was constructed to accommodate cars and trucks. A $5.00 bicycle toll has also been added to use the 20 foot wide bike lane on the I-5 Columbia Crossing. In addition to 25 cameras already in place, ten more STOP sign traffic cameras have been added at multiple locations through out the city to catch bicyclists blowing through the stops. Bicyclists without a license plate displayed on their handle bars, if identified, will be fined triple the $300 citation fee for bicyclists ignoring a STOP sign. Other street users have suggested that bicyclists in an all out effort of arrogance to avoid being caught on camera while still blowing through stops will start wearing hoods with eye holes cut in them so their faces can not be identified.

    6) With the continual infinite hole in the rails for taxpayer provided operating subsidies, and their endless means of creating congestion on Portland streets, Portland streetcars are officially declared as being NOT cost effective, outdated and NOT as efficient as the original lip service political propaganda rhetoric suggested. Streetcar tracks are being torn up and paved over all across Portland at the expense of bicyclists who have continually complained their tires get caught in the track grooves. The government has committed to provide an electric automobile free of charge to anyone over 40 who can drive, does not own another car or truck and chooses not to or can not ride a bike. Older Americans and senior citizens are elated that transport age discrimination has now been replaced with transport justice. The streetcar vehicles themselves are being converted to permanent housing for the homeless and relocated next to entrance of PDX. Curb extensions that once protruded into the streets that also add to congestion are being removed by detail of city worker using jackhammers.

    7) Single family homes on medium sized and large lots that have back yards, lawns, permeable areas and trees will now receive ten year property tax abatements as carbon offsets on the portion of the property not covered by any structures or pavement.

    8) Due to increased vandalism and scarce general fund revenues taken from the police services budget that was redirected to be used to subsidize pet political development projects – overnight on-street motor vehicle parking in many residential neighborhoods is being banned. City of Portland zoning codes have been revised and property owners are now required to provide off street parking for all residences and businesses.

    9) Calling it a mistake in the first place, the Oregon State Legislature has banned all manufacture and use of ethanol calling it an inefficient fuel source. Legislators also plan to subsidize the price of food for low and middle income people for the next five years as an effort to offset of the high price of corn that was established with ethanol use. Motorists had also complained that ethanol mixed with gasoline had reduced fuel mileage by as much as thirty percent thereby having legislators considering price controls and performance standards on all motor fuels.

    10) A rule banning spitting on the sidewalk is now being enforced in Portland and carries a $500 fine. To accommodate the peoples right to spit, super-sized sidewalks over eight feet wide are being narrowed. The ground areas once paved are being replaced with non-native plants for the public to spit on.

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