Oregon’s Governor Looks to Communist China for Help

Oregon’s brave, proud, strong, world-citizen governor has ventured off to Communist China for help with his bold battle against global warming and for living wages.

November has been one of the coolest months on record in many parts of the United States. Snowfall amounts are double the norm. It is cold out there and by golly, our governor is doing something about it. If he succeeds we may be able to break even more records for cold temperatures and snowfall. Oregon’s unemployment is sky rocketing, but our minimum wage is high if you can land such a position. Great times. Good times. Thanks to Ted — the best of times.

However, I digress. The real news here is that our Democratic governor, brave and strong as he is, has traveled to a communist nation to beg them to allow us to buy their battery-powered cars rather than cars built in the USA. This man, a great advocate of unions, living wages, high minimum wages, work rules, work safety, and a soldier in the fierce battle against global warming wants Oregonians to buy cars made by people who average $0.72 per hour in a country with no pollution controls! They are paid less than one tenth our minimum wage. That’s right – they are paid less per hour than just the increase of our minimum wage in the past three years! I guess that’s what the governor calls a “living” wage. $0.72 per hour. No robots in that factory. The people are the robots. Just like the Olympics. Beautiful. Wonderful. Amazing. Everyone as one. Perfect. Simply perfect.

I propose that Oregon roll back its minimum wage to what China pays its autoworkers. The governor quite obviously has no problem with that wage. He wants these Chinese cars in Oregon and he wants them here fast. Tax credits, plug-in stations, tax bonuses for home car chargers — whatever it takes, this strong, brave governor is ready to pull the trigger and get it done. He is to be applauded for his wisdom and strength. Not many governors from states as Democratic as Oregon would openly push for measures that will strengthen a communist nation, weaken worker rights, increase global pollution, and bring poisonous, highly damaging, shoddily-made, battery-powered cars to our shores.

This man is a pillar of strength. We must all join him in his efforts to make Oregon colder. The photo of Kulongoski in the Communist Chinese-built F3DM reminds us of the powerful image of Mike Dukakis on the tank turret. Both men know who they are and they are tough, big men. Ready to handle any emergency. Just ask them.

The Communist Chinese have killed our pets (bad pet food — how did that happen?), poisoned our children (lead in the toys — how did that happen?), killed their own babies (diluted and poisoned milk — how did that happen?). Now they want to sell us perfect little hybrid cars. No lead in the paint, all the connections to the air bags secure, and no poison in the seat cushion filler. Trust Ted — they would never do that to us.

I am pre-ordering mine today. I am pre-filing for my tax break. I am installing a charger station in my garage and at work. I am taking lessons on how to drive the thing. I will be ready for that glorious day when I pick up my brand new Communist Car and proudly hit the road, all in the name of workers’ rights and global warming.