ABC, CBS Record All-time Lows for Nightly Newscasts

Both ABC and CBS have experienced record-low viewership last week. Their collective heads are scratching as they attempt to figure out why. There are several reasons for the all-time lows in viewership, which are clearly explained here.

1. With such engaged lives, more and more Americans are twittering and tweeting and tweaking their lives away on their cell phones. With such demands, who has time to watch television? This could be it. Twitter and Twitter alone is responsible. Not Gibson or Couric. Twitter.

2. It’s officially summer now, so more and more Americans are outside enjoying the warm weather and the fun activities such weather allows. With so much fun in the offing, who has time to watch television? That’s it —it’s the weather. It must be.

3. The news seems slanted just a tad to the liberal left, whereas survey after survey has shown Americans to be a tad right and to the conservative side of things. Could it be that Americans are getting tired of being told how stupid they are each and every evening by the teleprompter-reading talking heads? No, you can ignore this reason. It can’t possibly be true. Most people need the guidance and direction offered by Couric and Gibson.

4. More news junkies are watching the Fox news programs. The numbers show this to be the case, but why it is happening is anyone’s guess. Who wants to be preached to by an ultra-rightwing, conservative leaning network whose only agenda is to make the left look bad? I would think no one, so this reason should also be ignored.

5. Many have said that both the CBS and ABC networks are in the tank for Obama. Who would want to watch stations that are so obviously biased? We may be on to something here. Best keep scratching the heads on this one.

6. ABC and CBS in particular have climbed aboard the global warming religion and are fully engaged in telling us how to live our lives, how to reduce our consumption, how to destroy our economy, how to feel guilty for our success, and, in general, how to change our miserable lifestyles that are killing this planet. Who wouldn’t want this valuable information tossed at them each and every night? It is what is needed to save the planet. Who would not want to save the planet? I think we can ignore this reason, too.

7. One of these networks is the same network that employs a late night talk show host who thinks it is OK to make outrageous statements about a politician’s underage daughter having intercourse with a baseball player. Could it be that ordinary Americans might find this offensive? No, as it was just in good fun and laughs were had all around. Let’s ignore this reason for sure.

8. The June switch to digital TV did not go as well as planned and millions of Americans are unable to tune it to anything. Now we are on to something here. Of course, this is the real reason fewer and fewer Americans are no longer watching the evening news from ABC and CBS. They can’t watch. And they want to watch. They just can’t make the confusing, expensive, and convoluted switch to digital. This is it. Now CBS and ABC can relax a bit, knowing that it is not their fault for the huge decline in viewers. It is Congress’s fault — they mandated digital TV in such a short, short time.

Knowing that the switch to digital TV is the only reason for the precipitous decline in viewership for both ABC and CBS should give them plenty of reason to sit back and smile. They are doing everything right. If those crazy politicians hadn’t mandated this silly “digital” TV everything would be OK. If we can get enough “magic boxes” out there the viewership will surely return to its lofty levels of the past.