President Obama proposes pressure cooker ban


by Tom Maginnis

A satirical look at political opportunists who exploit tragedies

Responding to recent and previous terrorism incidents – including the Boston Marathon bombing as well as the 2001 shoe bomber – President Obama unveiled the most sweeping set of hardware and footware proposals in two decades on Wednesday. It is a package that includes universal background checks on all pot, pan and shoe buyers and a renewed ban on “military-style” pressure cookers.

Opponents were quick to take issue with the plan: The National Restaurant Association (NRA) issued a statement saying that “only honest, law-abiding cooks and cobblers (the footware, not the dessert) will be affected and our children will starve.”

Obama, speaking at a White House ceremony, also proposed restricting sale of nails and BB’s to no more than half a pound, as well as new culinary safety and mental health programs, all designed to prevent bombings like the one last week in Boston.

“This is our first task as a society, keeping our children safe and slim.” Obama said. “This is how we will be judged.”

The president and Vice President Biden developed the plan after a series of meetings with 229 groups involved in terrorism issues.

MORE: White House fact sheet, executive actions

Obama said: “And these are our kids. This is what they’re thinking about. And so what we should be thinking about is our responsibility to care for them, shield them from harm, stop them from consuming sugary drinks and making sure their feet do not explode.”

Obama said no law can “prevent every senseless act,” but can be valuable if it can prevent one attack. “If there is even one life that can be saved, we’ve got an obligation to try it,” the president said.

The White House issued a written plan with four goals: keeping pots, pans, gunpowder, nails, BB’s, ball bearings, shoes, Coke®, Pepsi®, Seven-Up® and matches out of the wrong hands, getting “weapons of terrorism” off the streets, upgrading school safety and improving mental health services.

Among the specific proposals:

The White House is proposing “universal background checks” designed to target private hardware, footware and soft drink sales that are not covered by companion restrictions on grocers, shoe stores, smallware and hardware dealers. The plan also includes four executive orders designed to remove barriers to information sharing among state and federal agencies.

Restricting “weapons of terrorism.” Obama’s plan calls for raiding and subpoenaing records from vendors such as Sur La Table, Williams-Sonoma and Payless Shoes.

Biden said he has no “illusions” about the political challenges, but the Boston bombings have shaken the nation’s conscience. “The world has changed,” he said.

Still, the NRA and the PTA criticized many of the president’s plans as ineffective, unconstitutional and politically motivated. Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus said the plan amounts to “an executive power grab that may please his political base but will not solve the problems at hand.”

Such sentiments are indicative of the battle the proposals face in Congress, especially in the Republican-run House of Representatives.

“House committees of jurisdiction will review these recommendations,” said Michael Steel, a spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio. “And if the Senate passes a bill, we will also take a look at that.”

House Judiciary Chairman Bob Goodlatte, R-Va., said he will consider Obama’s recommendations.

“However, good intentions do not necessarily make good laws,” Goodlatte said. He said he wants to ensure that the proposals will “actually be meaningful in preventing the taking of innocent life and that they do not trample on the rights of law-abiding citizens to prepare nutritious meals, to walk without pain and to build a house.”

Even some Democrats, including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., have questioned whether a new smallware ban can pass Congress.

Reid, an overweening nanny state advocate, whined to a Nevada television station over the weekend that “in the Senate, we’re going to do what we think can get through the House.”

Said Democratic Senator Sen. Max Baucus, a daily walker and gourmand representing Montana, in a statement: “Enforcing the laws we already have on the books is a good first step, and it’s clear more needs to be done to address access to mental health care … Before passing new laws, we need a thoughtful debate that respects responsible, law-abiding cooks in Montana instead of one-size-fits-all directives from Washington.”

Not all the dissent is Washington-based.

Texas Republican Gov. Rick Perry said the Obama plan wouldn’t have prevented the Boston bombings, which Perry attributed to a “sad, hungry young man” who “was clearly haunted by demons.”

“Bombs require a finger to send the signal,” said Perry, a Republican presidential candidate in 2012, who added that “the piling on by the political left and their cohorts in the media to use the massacre marathon race fans to advance a pre-existing political agenda that would not have saved those fans disgusts me personally.”

Before Obama’s event, the NRA released a video criticizing the president as an “elitist hypocrite” for opposing steamed foods and sugary drinks in every school even though his daughters are growing and “putting on a little weight”. White House spokesman Jay Carney called the ad “repugnant and disgusting.”

UPDATE (4/22/2013): In an example of life imitating satire – Williams-Sonoma Pulls Pressure Cookers Off Shelves in Massachusetts

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Posted by at 05:00 | Posted in 2nd Amendment, President Obama | 52 Comments |Email This Post Email This Post |Print This Post Print This Post
  • Somehow this isn’t as funny as it was intended. It probably won’t be long before nut jobs on the right will quote this article to further go after President Obama. Thanks a lot

  • voterid

    The liberal PC police are still confused as usual. When Diane Finestein was asked by Chris Wallace on todays Sunday show if she thought the people hiding in Watertown may have liked to have a gun to protect themselves from this criminal I thought she was going to have a stroke from the question. My, my what a bitchy woman she has turned out to be…when she is confronted with trying to change the 2nd amendment she tells Chris Wallace people only need a shot gun not automatic weapons, then she said quite defensively…do we need machine guns too?…

  • Can’t wait until they start doing the background checks to buy a cooker and then have to buy the insurance and a PCP, pressure cooker permit, to use or even carry one. Better make sure you have one before the ban.

  • Dan the Man

    Good satire but probably too soon after the event for acceptable lampooning. Of course, those who are wound too tightly won’t crack a smile anyway.

  • shawn

    i agree ban presure cookers

  • DavidAppell

    Funny. Tell that to the widow of the MIT cop who was shot. Could a background check have prevented that?

    • Guest

      CBS in Boston is reporting that the MIT officer was killed because the brothers wanted to steal his gun.

      • DavidAppell

        From that same story:
        “The older brother had a gun.”

        He was, mind you, someone who had earlier been investigated by the FBI, and was also accused of domestic violence. Yet he apparently had no problems getting a gun.

        • guest

          Nor would you Mr Fastidious and Furious left finger winger desired one.

          • DavidAppell

            Apparently you are OK with domestic abusers and potential terrorists being able to quickly and easily buy a gun.

            I am not. The situation is insane.

          • guest

            Reliable enforcement of over 20,000 gun control laws on the books not insufficient?
            How many more ‘bookings’…until guns are completely outlawed – yet outlaws will remain “fast and furious” feeding their sociopathy, Mr. ‘Holder’ of some unmoved notion?

          • DavidAppell

            No, they’re not. The older Boston bomber was able to buy a gun, even though he’s on a classified terrorism watch list, and admitted to domestic abuse.

            Clearly the system is not working. People are dying. But lack of compassion is the defining characteristic of today’s radical conservatism.

          • guest

            We’re drowning in a plethora of laws you seem oxygen deprived of to comprehend. “Radical Conservatism?” OGL, try on Sharia Law for surmise Mr. Appelleaser for what’s left of US and the filth column sociopaths besieging US. Argh!

          • guest

            And now, DA, news releases both BM bombers were milking a faulty MA welfare system when their teat cups ought have been castrated.
            Lo, and pity Bostonian Katherine Russell-Tsarnaev a, a Christian convert to Islam and then subjected to Sharia Law in Chechen terms, was lamentably a maid or made to work long insufferable hours while her hubby Tamerlan and [sic] brother in law made nice nice with Al-Qaeda bravado dildos, albeit nee jerks, raging their jiahd against US.

            Oy vey is mir! Who the fook are you with tongue in chic or sheik blather when our sovereign nation is under attack by sociopaths who HATE US with a damn-that-Salmon- Rushdie with his expose’ attending Muslim tenets.

  • DavidAppell

    “Boston Bombing Suspects Did Not Have Gun Licenses” 4/22/13

    • Does DA have meds problems?


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