State of the Union Preview – Why Wait – Read it Now!

Early excerpts of the upcoming State of the Union speech have been leaked. It will be much, much longer if the teleprompters are working, but here is a shortened preview:

I am the president of the United States. You elected me to be the president. I have accomplished much in my first year. Here are just the highlights:

On day one I promised to close Gitmo by January of 2010. It is not closed. It is really hard to do some of this stuff and much harder than I thought. My predecessor left things in such a mess I may not be able to do what I said.

I promised new jobs and an unemployment rate of 8% or less. It is now well over 10% and getting worse every single day, and I have not created even one job. It is really hard to do some of this stuff and much harder than I thought. My predecessor left things in such a mess I may not be able to do what I said.

I have apologized, bowed, and scraped all over the world for the United States so that peoples will like us more. They don’t, as evidenced by the abject failure of my administration to accomplish anything regarding North Korea, Iran, or Afghanistan and the failed terrorist attack on the flight to Detroit. It is really hard to do some of this stuff and much harder than I thought. My predecessor left things in such a mess I may not be able to do what I said.

I promised that the stimulus bill would help turn the corner, but our economic situation is now far more dire than it was when I made this promise. I need to save the money to buy votes, though, so I can not release any more of it at this time. It is really hard to do some of this stuff and much harder than I thought. My predecessor left things in such a mess I may not be able to do what I said.

I said all during my campaign that my predecessor was inept for not getting Bin Laden. I have not gotten him, either. It is really hard to do some of this stuff and much harder than I thought. My predecessor left things in such a mess I may not be able to do what I said.

I promised health care for all Americans. It was my signature pledge. Now, there is not one American more with health care, no bill has been in acted, and no bill looks like it will be. It is really hard to do some of this stuff and much harder than I thought. My predecessor left things in such a mess I may not be able to do what I said.

I know I was elected on a platform of change and hope and that there isn’t much of either right now. It has only been one year. I know of no president who has ever worked harder and accomplished more in just one year. I need more time. It is really hard to do some of this stuff and much harder than I thought. My predecessor left things in such a mess I may not be able to do what I said.

Goodnight my fellow Americans.