Oregon Voters Guide (parody)

By In the news
In: Measure 37
Thursday November 1, 2007


2007 Special Edition Voter’s Guide
According to Betsy Maynard,

Measure 49
MODIFIES MEASURE 37; [the rest of the ballot title info removed for your own safety, as it is too frustrating for words]

RESULT OF “YES” VOTE: “Yes” vote modifies Measure 37 to protect turtles; removes private landowners’ rights to build homes or anything else; extends rights to surviving spouses and or significant others; limits large developments and smoking near children; protects farmland, babies, forestlands, schools from tax cuts, groundwater supplies, kids, fixes social security, and ensures maximum snow levels on Mount Hood.

RESULT OF “NO” VOTE: “No” vote requires two subdivisions be built in your yard, and your neighborhood park turned into an Wal-Mart and/or Staples.

The “official” Betsy explanation: Measure 49 significantly changes Measure 37, which specifically states that all state parks be sold to Wal-Mart, Halliburton, and Blackwater (1). No exceptions. Measure 37 was passed overwhelmingly by Oregon voters in 2004 because they thought it had something to do with children, and the lottery.

Betsy Knows Best RECOMMENDATION: Betsy Recommends a “NO” Vote (2)

Betsy’s Syndicated Commentary: We like state parks, children, and Blackwater.* But, we also love cheap, crappy furniture with unpronounceable European names. Also, we love meatballs. We’re going with IKEA on this one. VOTE NO!

Measure 50

AMENDS CONSTITUTION: DEDICATES FUNDS TO PROVIDE HEALTH CARE FOR CHILDREN, FUND TOBACCO PREVENTION, THROUGH INCREASED TOBACCO TAX. (3)

RESULT OF “YES” VOTE: Who really reads this stuff anyway?

RESULT OF “NO” VOTE: Opposite of a yes vote

The “official” Betsy Explanation: We tried reading this bill, and didn’t understand it. We really tried. But, don’t worry, you wouldn’t understand either.

Betsy’s Syndicated Commentary: Just vote no. It’s dumb for a lot of reasons, but if you just vote no, you won’t even have to worry about them.

Notes:
(1) Founder Erik Prince graduated from Hillsdale College in the 1990’s. We heart Hillsdale.

(2) I really do think that Measure 49 and 50 deserve a No vote. If you’d like the real reasons I’m opposed to the measures, just let me know.

(3) The Independent Animal Association of the World certifies that no animals were harmed in the drafting of this language.

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